My word

Last year I chose a word for the year.  I thought a lot about it and picked surrender.  I knew that I needed to give God control in many areas of my life and God certainly gave me lots of opportunities to do that.  Mostly through our struggle to get pregnant, but then once we did, to give over my worries and fears after we had an early scare.  I was constantly needing to surrender my fears as I worried over every little cramp or possible concern.  I had to learn to surrender when it came to my mom's health this last year when she had to go through open heart surgery.  I learned to surrender my fears over the last year when Chris started his own business.  

I'm pretty sure that I will forever struggle with my desire to control things and know the outcome of them, and fail over and over to open my hands and let God be in control.  But I do think I've learned a lot in that area and am ready for a new word, while I continually work on surrendering.  
This year I've entered an entirely different phase of my life and I find myself in new struggles and am faced with opportunities to let God work in my life.  This year I'm choosing the word rest.

I want to learn how to rest in the fact that God loves my baby more than I do and will protect her and knows her future.  
I want to rest in the role that God has put me in this year and embrace my new "job" as a mom.  I want to be confident in the mom that God has made me and stop comparing myself to others.  I want to enjoy and soak up these early moments of motherhood and not constantly analyze things and think about what I should or need to be doing.  
I want to learn how to rest and be still.  I struggle to take a ten minute bath because I honestly don't even know what to do with myself when it is completely quiet.  I want to learn how to be still and rest. I don't want to have to fill every second by doing three things at one time.  I want to take advantage of silent moments and not fill them with tv, my phone and computer all at one time.  
I want to stop being anxious and have my mind constantly running and thinking and worrying.  I want to learn how to rest in God's presence.

I want to learn how to rest in the evening.  Sleep struggles and unpredictable nights have made many evenings anxiety filled, as I often dread the night to come.  I've always struggled with sleeping well at night, which has become even more difficult now that I have shorter windows of possible sleep.  I want to learn how to relax and quiet my mind so I can fall asleep when I go to bed.  I'm not sure how to get to that point but I want to try to work on it.  
I want to find my identity in God alone and be confident and content with the person is has made me and is making me.  I want to work on becoming the person that God desires me to be, but I want to rest in His grace because I know I fail over and over. 
My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him.  He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.  Psalm 62: 1-2 

You better not pray for that

I remember one time talking with my youth pastor's wife when I was in high school and she somewhat jokingly told me not to pray for patience.  I can't remember what my circumstances were but she told me if I pray for patience God will teach me patience.  That he will give me situations where my patience will be tested.  

Obviously she didn't really mean to not pray for it, but to be ready to learn if I ask God for something.  To not expect to just acquire new characteristics but to only gain them through hard situations.  
I feel like I learned this when I chose my word for the year last year.  Surrender.  God taught me to surrender constantly.  To surrender my timing for a baby.  To surrender my fears and uncertainties when my mom had heart surgery.  To surrender the health of my baby when we had complications.  I prayed to God that I wanted to surrender to His plans, and he gave me many circumstances where I had to work to surrender. 
This year I am trying to learn how to rest.  How to find peace in where God has me.  How to rest in His promises that He will take care of our family.  How to be still and not fill my time and minutes with ten different things.  Honestly I am not doing a great job at these and I think its because I'm not trying and I'm not praying for opportunities.  
I started reading the book Seven, by Jen Hatmaker the other night and so far I love it.  The premise of the book is that she focused on seven different areas (one a month) that she lived in excess of.   But I found myself being tempting to just read it.  Just read through the words and not think about how that may apply to my life.    My thoughts were first that this will be a nice story for someone and is a really neat thing they are doing, but not for me.  I am not saying I am going to be doing any kind of radical thing like only choosing seven foods to eat for a month (like she did) or not watch tv for a full month.  I have barely started reading the book, but I want to approach it differently and I want to start approaching my days differently too. 
I feel kind of stuck in my spiritual life.  I feel like I am not growing and not seeking out opportunities for God to use me.  I'm aware my life is filled with excess of worldly things.  Tv, clothes, blogging, uncontentment in my thinking, jealously . . . I could keep going. I want to go into reading the rest of this book with a mindset that God may be trying to teach me something.  To make some changes in my life.  I want to start my days asking God for opportunities to teach me things, even though I know that means that I will be tested and stretched and probably uncomfortable.  
I know that I can't expect to gain wisdom, patience, or even the mentality of how to rest in God if I don't pray for it.  So today I am asking for wisdom.  For clarity in what God may be teaching me.  For opportunities to grow and for a stronger desire in my heart to seek after Him.  

If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. (James 1:5)

DIY Teepee

 

I always hesitate to do tutorials because I rarely measure things and don't take great pictures, and overall not quite sure how helpful they are.  But I do think it's good proof that projects can be easier than you think and a little nudge to maybe get a few done!  

And this just may be my favorite project I've done in the last year.  I read a variety of tutorials online and most of them seemed a little too complicated for me.  I saw some good ones using sheets or a paint drop cloth, but I already had a good amount of fabric I wanted to use.  

I already had the fabric that I got from fabric.com for about $20.  The wood was only $5 so a $25 teepee! 

We bought five cheap pieces of wood that were 8 feet long.  We cut them to 6 feet to fit in our basement, but you could make it however high you want.  Chris drilled holes about 6 inches from the top and we looped twine through the holes and wrapped it around many, many times.   

Since all my  teepee sides were different sizes I couldn't cut five triangles like I originally planned.  Instead of fixing it to make that work, this seemed easier.  I made sure to have enough fabric for the front entrance and cut that piece off.   Then I just wrapped the fabric around the teepee, knowing it wouldn't cover all the way to the top.  I cut off extra and pinned it so it would stay in place. 

I took some of the leftover fabric and wrapped it around the rest of the top of the teepee.  There were lots of random cutting and pinning to get the right size.  The random pattern of the fabric helped because I didn't need to worry about it lining up.  If you choose stripes or a busy pattern this would be tricky!

After I pinned it, I sewed the two pieces together and then put them back on the teepee and used a few pins so it would stay up for now.

Then I cut out a piece for the entrance that would cover the whole front.  (No measuring.  I just had Chris help me hold up the fabric and drew a line with a pencil where I should cut.)

I cut a slit up the center and cut a little out so there'd be an opening.  I hemmed these two sides in a little.

I turned all the the fabric inside out so I could pin the entrance to the rest of it.  I definitely used Chris' help again, as it is a lot of fabric to work with.  We carefully slide the whole thing off so I could sew both sides of the entrance piece together.  This was by far the most fabric I've ever worked with and was a little tricky to maneuver on my sewing machine, but they are all straight lines which makes it easier.

Last minute I decided to add ribbons near the bottom so you could tie the sides up.  I used bias tape and just slide it in between the two pieces of fabric while I sewed the sides.

I cut off any extra fabric and turned it inside and prayed that it would fit right!  Thank goodness that it did. I'm sure I would've cried otherwise.  After a week or so the fabric did start sliding down a bit and since then I've pin it together a little and need to sew it a little tighter.  So if I did it again, I'd just make the seams on the front piece a little tighter, knowing it would stretch a little. 

Ta-daa!!! Teepee complete. 

Can't wait to share the rest of our basement playroom.  I'm attempting way to many projects at one time with Addilyn's birthday party coming up, but I'm almost done with it!

(Easiest diy pillow tutorial here & ottoman covers here)

Thoughts on being a second time mom

Some things are easier.  Some things are way harder.  I don't feel nearly as anxious this time around. I know phases are short.  Or even if long, I'll survive.  But having a toddler to take care of this time, is a different story than last.  Way less down time, and a whole other person to care for.  One who is very active, needy and whose world has been hugely changed.  
With Addilyn once the evening came I would get really anxious for the night ahead.  Knowing I'd probably get little sleep and not being able to predict what the next 12 hours looked like.  This time around, I definitely don't look forward to the night time, but I'm not anxious about it.  Even though I'm getting way less rest and sleep this time around since I can't rest when he sleeps during the day, I think my body is used to way less sleep and it's not as shocking!  Plus I know it's a season and that we'll get through it.
I feel like Chris and I have no time to talk.  Once Addilyn is in bed, it's often Isaac's fussier time, or if not I'm just too tired to want to have a full conversation.  Which means it's really easy for me to get annoyed or cranky.  I remember with Addilyn thinking how will we ever have time together again? This time I know it's a season.  It'll take a little more work with two kids now, and may be a longer season, but it'll happen again and we'll get through it.  
Breastfeeding has had some similarities this time.  Again I have a major oversupply which leads to lots of spit up, gagging and messy eating.  Isaac has a tongue tie which Addilyn did not, so sometimes it's harder for him to latch on and hurts a little more than with Addilyn.  But I feel much more comfortable this time around.  While I forgot some things, like how long it takes for your supply to regulate, it just feels easier and more comfortable.  
I worried about a lot of things before Isaac was born.  How Addilyn would do, how I'd handle Chris going back to work after a week, how I'd function with such little sleep and two kids to take care off. I've definitely shed tears and felt overwhelmed and stressed but honestly, it's been easier than I thought.  I know we're only five weeks in and we're going to go through all kinds of phases and ups and downs. And we are so far from constantly doing regular activities, but I feel like we're starting to settle into the reality and normalcy that we have two kids.  
I forgot how much you don't feel like yourself.  I'm so happy to not be pregnant anymore, but it's such an awkward stage to be in.  Not pregnant, but not back to your "normal" self.  Leaking boobs, in between sizes, and post pregnancy hormones.  It's hard to remember what it feels like to be you, but again thankful that I know I'll get there and I'm trying hard to not worry about it or let it bother me.  I would never tell a first time mom that having one kid is easy.  Or to enjoy this because once baby number two comes, you won't get the same rest you do now.  Having one baby is hard.  And overwhelming and completely turns your world upside down.  It was hard.  Looking back, sure, it sounds amazing to just have one baby.  To sleep when he sleeps, to watch so much tv and to only worry about him.  And I imagine down the line if I had a third baby I could say the same about "just having two."  But whatever you have, it's hard because it's new, different and exhausting.  And having two kids is exhausting.  
I love both my babies more than anything.  I didn't doubt that I would, but I didn't know what it'd feel like.  I am so grateful that God gave them both to me, and couldn't feel luckier that I get to be their mom and know that is what I was meant to do. 

this year

In 2013 I choose the word surrender. I worked on surrendering my fears, worries and plans for our future.  This is something that I think I'll always need to work on but have definitely seen growth since this year. 
In 2014 I chose the word rest.  I wanted to rest in God's presence, to rest in the knowledge of God's protection over our family, and to stop being anxious.  Again, something that I will always struggle with, but growth here too. 
Last year I didn't really pick a specific word but wanted to head into the year as a mighty warrior.  To work on being brave as a mom, as an individual and ready for whatever God had in store for me.  I've seen growth in my confidence and choices as a mom, growth in letting God be in control and have tried to be an example to Addilyn of doing things that aren't always easy.  
I have been thinking a lot about a word or focus for this year.  Obviously our biggest change this year will be baby number 2.  We've also had some changes with Chris work that are still not necessarily a routine or "normal" which I know will take some adjusting.  It's interesting because we clearly know what adding a baby is like, but adding a second baby is going to be a totally different thing.  This baby may be completely different than Addilyn, I'll have different needs with two kids as oppose to one, and things are definitely going to change a lot.  Change is hard for me.  When expectations aren't met I struggle.  I love knowing what to expect and what my role will look like, and even what others around me will be as well.  
I want to let go of all those things.  To go into this year knowing that right now my job is to be a mom to Addilyn and this sweet baby boy.  To be a wife to Chris, to continue to be a friend, a Christ follower, housekeeper, blogger, runner, and the list goes on.  BUT to know that each of those things is going to look different for awhile.  While I don't struggle a ton saying no to things, I struggle with what others may think or how their priorities are different and comparing mine to them.  I want to do the best that I can in all those areas and remember that there is grace upon grace and all I can do is my best.  
I want to know when I'll get back in shape and when I'll lose this baby weight.  I'd love to know what this baby will be like and how Addilyn will transition to being a big sister.  I wish I could know when Chris and I would get date nights again or when we'd save enough money to think about moving.  But what I really want is to be okay not knowing the timeline of any of those things.  To work towards those goals, but be patient in the process.  
I don't want to wish away moments (except maybe the nights filled with zero sleep) but to be present, take things day by day and let whatever happens this year happen.  I'm far from a laid back person, and while I'm learning to accept that is part of who I am and there are good qualities that come with that, I'd love to sway a little towards the other side of that spectrum.  
I want to be more content with feeling lonely.  I struggle with that now and I know with a newborn I'm sure I'll have even more of those feelings.  I want to take more comfort in God and be content with being home and not needing to feel pursued in multiple friendships.  
I never want to lose sight of all God has given us and how good He is.  When times are hard and when times are great.  To make him my priority and to thirst for His word and His presence.  
So here's to a new year.  To letting things happen as they do, and opening my hands to His plan and doing the best I can with what's in store. 

Mighty Warrior

During my freshman year of college I started getting really awful headaches.  They'd get bad enough that I couldn't remember things like my birthday, where I was, how to find a number on my phone or what year it was.  I ended up in the hospital quite a few times and it was an incredibly scary few months.  We never found anything beyond severe atypical migraines as they called them.  But there were moments and tests and appointments to rule out things as serious as brain tumors.  It was traumatic, and hard and taught me a whole lot.  
During that time there was lots of tears, fear and a whole lot of praying.  As I was going through all of it, my dad called me a Mighty Warrior.  He reminded me of the story of Gideon in the Bible when God used him, a small, scared and not quite prepared man to defeat a huge army.  "The Lord is with you Mighty Warrior."  I clung to that verse a lot during that time.  
Years later I clung to that verse when we were going through our fertility treatments and longing for a baby.  I wanted to handle the trials I was going through with confidence that God was going to get me through me.  That although I felt unprepared and weak, I could fight whatever battle I was going through.  
Last year I made a word for the year.  It was rest.  I wanted to rest in God's presence.  To be content where God had me, to rest my anxieties and worries and trust that God was in control.  I wanted to spend more time being still in His presence and seeking after Him.  
I feel like I am in a pretty "safe" place right now.  Sure I question my parenting, I'm tired a lot and I'd love to know when God is going to give us a second baby.  But Chris' job is doing well, I'm thankful to be at home with Addilyn, mine and Chris' marriage is in a good place and overall I'm happy.  But I want to be ready for God to use me.  I want to go after opportunities that may be out of my comfort zone.  I want to be a better friend and encourager.  I want to be less selfish and more generous with my resources and time.  
I've thought hard about a word for the year and I can't think of one.  I can't seem to pinpoint an area to describe what I want to work on.  I like growth, or contentment or joy but feel like none of them are it.  So instead I want to go at this year as a Mighty Warrior.  Ready for whatever God has planned for me.  Trusting that he is going to prepare me for whatever trial, circumstances or battle I may face. To celebrate victories and blessings of all sizes.  To look for opportunities to be used, to be a better friend and a better spouse.  To be brave and confident and ready.   
2015.  I'm ready for you!

What I've learned this last year in regards to my health and fitness

For as long as I can remember, I've been dedicated to working out and exercising and have loved fitness. It's always been a great stress relief for me, I love challenging myself, and have felt really proud of myself for things my body has accomplished.  The last two years I've become even more passionate about fitness, becoming a certified personal trainer, but more importantly learning how fitness and exercise can affect and change your body and mind.  This last year has certainly thrown all of us for a loop, and has drastically changed our routines and expectations, and I am sure I am not alone in a long list of things I've learned over the last year.  These things have all become areas where I want to continue to see progress in this next year.  

FLEXIBILITY 

For the last four years I have been a very avid member of Burn Boot Camp.  I love so many things about it.  So much that I became a trainer so I could work there, and have the last two years. I would not miss a workout, and six days a week showed up, worked hard and saw amazing results.  But when I would be out of town, have a sick kid, bad weather, etc., I'd get so stressed about not making it to the gym.  I'd work around our family's schedules to do whatever I could to make it there.  Which isn't always a bad thing, but I think there is a fine line between dedication and obsessiveness, and I definitely fall in the later many times.   Having our gym close for awhile, and still not being back there myself since last March, I've been forced to work out at home and it has been so good for me.  I can work out at the time that works best for me, take a rest day when I need it, change the focus of the day's workout if I want, and be confident in doing my own thing.  And know that I am working out because I want to, not because I'm afraid of missing out on a day at the gym. 

FREEDOM FROM NUMBERS

I got an Apple Watch two years ago and I love it.  There are so many great things about it, but I also think that it can be really negative.  I think it's easy to get focused on the numbers - how many steps you took, how many calories you burned that day (which isn't even accurate)s, how many days of your streak of closing your rings you got.  Again that line of dedication and obsessive.  I realized instead of using those numbers for mere data, I was letting myself feel as though I had to close my rings daily, had to reach my goal, or I didn't feel accomplished.  I'd end up not having a true rest day, and that will definitely take a toll on your body. I started not wearing my watch on Sundays, and it's been so good for me.  This feels silly to admit, but I know there are others who can relate.  It helps give my body permission to rest every minute I can that day.  To take as little steps as possible and since I'm "breaking my streak" weekly, there's a lot less to obsess about. 

STRENGTH OVER CARDIO:

I LOVE cardio.  I could do a HIIT workout everyday and be really happy.  I love sweating, love getting my heart rate up, and moving as fast as I can.  Over the years though, I have learned how much strength training is essential for your body.  My body has significantly changed the last few years thanks to strength training.  Now I love lifting heavy weights, and don't think I've ever felt stronger before.  It's been a mental shift to not think that I need to end every workout huffing and puffing, having burned a ton of calories.  But to end a workout feeling like I've lifted heavy, my muscles are getting much stronger, and knowing that that will benefit me in the long run, so much more than hours of cardio.  

CUTE WORKOUT CLOTHES MAKE EVERYTHING BETTER

It may be a tad shallow, but I 100% think having workout clothes that make you feel good, makes you more motivated. I spend more time in workout clothes than any other clothes, and I also love shopping - so I am far from short on leggings, sport bras or tennis shoes.  Some of my favorite work out clothes I own are from Adidas.  This last year I've purchased two pairs of Adidas shoes - one for running and one for cross training and I have loved them both.  They do run big in my opinion so I size down a half or full size.  This cute sweatshirt is also one of my favorites. 

 

Let's say I got to go on a shopping spree at Adidas to add to my closet, these are the things I would pick out.  I am a huge fan of any leggings that are high waisted, and even better if they're 7/8th length for my shorter legs.  And thanks to high waisted leggings, I'm a big fan of these cute crop tops.  Throw a hoodie on top, and a pair of supportive but super cute shoes and I am comfortable and happy!

tee //  cropped tank // hoodie
leggings //  shoes

So as we soon head into the third month of 2021, I'm going to continue to focus on listening to what my body needs, being flexible with my schedule and plans, let numbers be numbers and not any tie to my self worth, and keep lifting heavy and feeling as strong as I can!  

A lesson I wish I could learn sooner

One thing that has surprised me about motherhood is how much I have learned about myself.  I had no idea how much taking care of Addilyn would expose areas that I struggle with, remind me of who God is over and over and how often I would find myself thanking God for giving me what I need when I need it.  
Lately the biggest lessons I'm learning is patience and flexibility, neither which have ever been a strong suit of mine.  I think both those qualities are on the opposite spectrum of someone with control and worry issues at the top of their list.   
The other day we had plans of going to church in the morning, head to a friends' birthday party and then come home for Addilyn's nap.  For the last few weeks Addilyn had been waking up at the same time, had predictable naps times and I figured this day would be the same.  (Will I ever stop being surprised or disappointed when things don't go as I planned in terms of her sleep?)  Addilyn woke up extra early, which I thought would mean  a longer morning nap.  Turns out it equalled the opposite.  We headed to church with her crabby, tired self, where she cried on and off while in the nursery.  
Here I was, embarrassingly bent out of shape because she was so off schedule, and I immediately went to thinking the rest of the day was ruined.  That she'd be crabby all afternoon, the party would be a disaster and I could count any nap out of the question.  It really is truly embarrassing how dramatic I can get when our day doesn't go as planned.  (Remember, my confession of motherhood making me dramatic?  As if I needed more proof.) 

Guess what?  She was completely fine.  She didn't remember that she slept only 25 minutes that morning. Or that she cried on and off for 45 minutes during church.  She was as happy as could be within ten minutes of picking her up from the nursery at church and was totally fine at the party.  She even took a good nap when we got home.  
I wish it was that easy for me to move on.  To not count the day as over or hard when it's only 12:00.  To remember that we can "start over" at anytime of the day.  And even if the rest of the day was a disaster, so what?  It's a day.  Tomorrow would have been a brand new one.   
I long to be a person with more flexibility.  But I'm not really sure how to do that.  I need to remember this in the midst of days where our plans change or things don't go the way I hoped.  Little things like Addilyn's nap schedule or big things like success and hardships of Chris' job.  Life is never going to go just as I planned.  I'll be so much less disappointed and thrown off if I accept that I am not in control of things.  And I'm pretty sure I'd enjoy the days even more.  

Be Still

tee: be still clothing company     shorts: old navy   sandals: discovery 

It's rare for me to spend any significant money on a t-shirt.  And by significant I mean more than $7. After wanting it for a long time, I finally bought this baseball tee and long for cooler weather so I can wear it.  I got this tee when I purchased the other and I love it.  My word for this year is rest and sadly I've let a good part of the year go bad without striving to work on it.  

A lot of needing to rest requires being still in God's presence, resting in knowing that He is in control.  Being still in more moments during the day and not trying to fill every second with noise and busyness.  Besides being super comfy, I love the reminder that this shirt gives me to work on my goal for this year and to spend more time being quiet and still before the Lord.  

Weekend at the cabin

Last weekend Chris and I went up with some friends at their family cabin.  The cabin was almost five hours away and in the middle of nowhere.  I debated quite a bit about going, as I was worried about the long drive with Addilyn and her sleeping in a new place, when we already struggle with sleep.  It's really easy for my personality to come up with lots of reasons not to do things, and just stay home because it's easier.  I know motherhood will continue to teach me to be more flexible and I am learning that I don't want to miss out on experiences because it's a little harder.  

And Addilyn did great!  We left Friday evening and stopped for dinner and then drove the rest of the way.  We came back Sunday night after dinner at the cabin and drove the rest of the way.  Minus about 30 minutes of tears both trips she did great, and slept a good part of both ways.  

The cabin was really in the middle of nowhere.  It was a two mile drive just down the driveway to the house.  There was this huge stone fireplace and tons of windows that overlooked miles of woods and a little lake.  It was beautiful.  We brought lots of food, snacks and even made a few crafts while we were there.  We also spent some time outside wondering around, which Addilyn loved.  

 How she really feels about double kisses.

And my absolute favorite picture from the trip.  

It was so nice to have all that time together, and while I missed my daily episodes of Gilmore Girls it was a nice break from technology too.  It was relaxing and fun and great reminder for me to say yes to things!