26 months and my favorite age so far

There are so many things that are so different in each stage of Addilyn's life so far, which makes it hard to compare.  There have been things I've loved about each of them, but I think we are currently in my favorite stage.  While we are not free from some fits, time outs and lots of learning how to handle our emotions, it's been filled with way more enjoyable things than difficult.  
Addilyn is so vocal, funny, affectionate, a little more independent, and overall pleasant to be around.  She's still clinging and needy, and I know come March that will have to change, but for now we manage it fine. We are currently in a good phase of sleep and naps, which I fully appreciate as I know things change quickly, but I love our current schedule.  She goes to bed around 7:30, wakes up between 6 and 6:30 and takes a two to two and half hour nap around 12.  No complaining here! 
She'll sit on my lap in the mornings and after her nap and watch tv for awhile.  Which these days is Daniel Tiger every single time.  We run errands together, and while she doesn't sit still in the cart, she'll usually do a decent job staying close to me, and while it's tiring, we have more successful trips than not.  We've started Bible Study and MOPs, and have only gone to one of each.  Bible Study went great, MOPs not so much, but we've made such huge progress with her in childcare that it's been nice to have a little reprieve from anxiety in that area and I'm hoping it continues to improve and is good for both of us this year. 
She's obsessed with brushing her teeth and will stand at the sick using water and toothpaste for twenty minutes if I let her.  She has become a better eater and would eat shredded wheat for every meal if we let her.  Although I'm sure candy would still win at her favorite food.  She can be quite dramatic with her words and often says things "Mama, I need you forever and ever!" or "My lamby is lost forever!"  
She can tell you that "A-d-d-i" spells Addi and when you ask her what road she lives on she'll say "Dowell Road" with the cutest little puckered lips when she says road.  She thinks any candle is for celebrating her birthday and loves retelling what she did during the day.  Talking with her hands, and listing off things she did (or didn't do).  
Here's a few funny things she's said lately:
We were about to go down to the basement and she closed the gate so Molly couldn't come in and said "No Molly you stay up here.  I need my space!" 
At dinner the other night she said "Can I have a sip of your water Katie?"  Then looked kind of shocked that she called me Katie and started laughing saying "I just called your Katie?!" 
I was telling Addi about how she gets to go to a new class tomorrow (MOPs) and she said "um . . . I'll just go in a few weeks instead." 
Chris said I love you to Addi and she said "No.  I love mama."  I said "remember you can love a lot of people," and she said "Oh yeah! I love Lena and Aunt Lauren and Grandpa too!" 
Her and Chris were coming home from picking up Subway and he said we're bringing mama a sandwich and she said "yeah, she's a nice mama." 
I know things change so fast with toddlers, and motherhood in general.  Which is a good reminder that when things are hard, they can change so quickly.  And then when things are good, you should appreciate the moments and be grateful.  So right now I am feeling grateful for this phase! 

Addilyn Jane I think you are just the best! Thank you for being sweet, and funny and for taking good naps! :)  You make me so happy, and I am thankful I get to spend my days with you and am going to cherish the next many months of time with just the two of us! 

One of those days

This just about represented the mood in the Vale house yesterday from both Addilyn and I.  It's felt like a long seven days over here as we've been without Chris for all but a few hours on Saturday.  He left our family vacation early and we overlapped an afternoon at home and then he left for a work trip.  Thankfully he got back late last night, and we did well for the most part until yesterday.  Addi didn't sleep great the night before, woke up early, super crabby and had a bug bit on her eye that made her look like this: 

Perhaps adding to her crabbiness, although I'm leaning towards more just a two year old bipolar toddler day.  But man, I had a hard time pulling it together.  I was ready to call quits for the day by 9:00.  I can't really think of a point to this post, other than saying when the day was said and done it made me thankful for these things:

1. That Chris doesn't travel a lot and that when he is home he is a great dad and does a lot to help take care of Addilyn.

2. That I have family close by to come over, as they did a few of the days and play with Addilyn to give me a little break.

3.  That hard days end and a new day starts.  A good reminder that days that seem daunting have to end.

4.  That I'm not a single mom or a mom that has a husband that is gone often.  Those woman are amazing and I have tons of respect and admiration for them!

5.  That it is almost the weekend and Chris will be home the whole time!

Hope you all had a good week and are ready for the weekend too!

This is the kind of mom I am

The last few weeks I've felt overly sensitive, extra emotional and struggling with being confident in motherhood.  Addilyn who is an already clingy, needy baby has taken it up a notch over the the last few weeks and it's been hard.  I've felt overly sensitive to comments of her clinginess or her attachment to me.  I feel like she's jumped from a baby to a toddler and I feel kind of lost in how to parent a toddler.    Lately I see all these moms on instagram or even my friends around me with kids close to Addilyn's age and I can't even count the number of pictures and stories of potty training attempts and big girl beds.  

Here I am still nursing my not so baby in the middle of the night, a few times during the day, she sleeps in her crib, with a pacifier with no thoughts of potty training or big girl beds.  She says mama about a million times a day, I carry her a lot, and she's super attached to me.  
Honestly I am not in a hurry to get her out of her crib or attempt potty training, but it's hard for me not to think we are behind.  To feel like I don't know what I'm doing and second guess that I've messed up in ways I've mothered and habits I have or haven't set.  

I want to raise an independent toddler with soothing skills to be okay away from me in the nursery or at bedtime.  Or gosh I'd love to know when I'll leave her overnight.  But I I'm not sure how or when we'll get to that point.  I feel like we'll have a victory in the nursery or with someone putting her to bed here or there, and then a step back with me coming home to a crying baby not sleeping, or getting paged from the nursery because she won't calm down.  
I feel pressure to reach certain milestones by certain dates.  But I think the majority of that pressure is from myself.  I need to be more confident in my parenting, and the choices we make for our family.  Also in knowing that a good amount of those things, like her crying in the nursery is her and not anything I have done to make her that way.  
I want to be more confident saying this is the kind of mom I am and stop worrying about what people think.  Because chances are they don't even care.  I'm still nursing my toddler.  I get anxious about leaving her at bedtime because she's in a phase of not handling it well.  I carry her around a lot and probably treat her more like a baby then I probably should.  I don't feel prepared to handle teaching and training a toddler.  But I'm doing the best I can.  I'm pretty sure every mom is doing the best they can.  And that looks different for every mom.  
God picked me to be Addilyn's mom.  God picked Addilyn to be my daughter.  I'm the kind of mom that is overly sensitive  and emotional, and I pray that I can use those emotions and qualities to make Addilyn sensitive, and compassionate.   God gave me a daughter that is stubborn, clingy and a little wild.  And I pray that I can use those emotions and qualities to raise a daughter that is brave and strong and doesn't give up. 

Hardware sensory board

I know a sensory board is no new idea, but I thought I'd share the one that we made for Addilyn a few months ago.  I looked at a bunch of pictures on pinterest and just combined a few and really just added whatever we could find at Home Depot.  Unfortunately all those little hardware pieces are not super cheap, but it has provided lots of playtime for Addilyn so oh well, right?  

We bought a piece of plywood and I painted it.  Then Chris drilled in a ton of screws for all of the things we bought.  We have two lights, a few locks, a wheel, some circle hooks to hold a carabiner, links and a rope.  That pink circle was the case for running tape I had that Addilyn loved screwing the cap on and off.  She'll put Cheerios or monkeys in there and put the top on and off.  We screwed PVC pipe on there and she can drop stuff through it.  

It would entertain for a long time at the beginning, but sadly has lost some of it's interest now.  I think I'll put it in our garage for a few weeks and then bring it out again with hopes of her spending time playing with it again!

Looking back at 2014

I almost forget that I did a post like this last year and how much I enjoyed looking back and reading it, even again now.  It reminds me what a blessing this blog is, as a way to store our blessings, hardships, pictures and memories.  Here's a look back at the highlights of this year . . . 

In January, Addilyn turned six months old, which felt like a big milestone.  Half a year as a mom!  She also got really sick this month and it felt like a long winter, but I know God used those times to remind me to continually give my worries and fears over to Him.  I wrote an honest post about how I feel about blogging, and still have most of those same feelings. 

February.  I wrote a post about marriage after having a baby.  Chris and I were slowly adjusting to our role as parents and husband and wife.  My new niece Annabelle was born and is the sweetest, happiest baby in the world!  It killed me that I had to wait to meet her.  I made it official that I wasn't going back to teaching this year and felt so happy to be able to stay home with Addilyn. That year turned into two and I'm so lucky to to be home with Addilyn!

March.  I found my favorite pair of jeans that I wear at least two times a week.  I wrote a post about my self image post baby.  I made Addilyn and I matching sweatshirts, and was surprised it took me so long to make us matching outfits.  

April.  We took our first big family trip with Addilyn and stayed with my sister and in her family in Vermont.  We met my niece and Addilyn had so much fun with her cousins.  I decided to sign up to run the Chicago marathon again, after debating for a long time.  I locked Addilyn in the car after loading groceries in the truck in the Target parking lot, and I still to this day leave a car door open until she's out of the car or I'm in the car.  

In May I celebrated my first Mother's Day and it was wonderful.  Chris and I celebrated nine years of marriage.  At Addilyn's nine month appointment we talked about concerns with her lack of weight gain which started a few months of tests, worry and many chances for me to trust that God is in control.  I also made a 13 by 30 list, which I still have a handful left, despite turning 30 two months ago! 

June. I officially started marathon training and felt excited, scared and out of shape.  Chris and I went to a wedding, where he officiated, and the comparison pictures of me pregnant and Addilyn now never cease to amaze me!  I wrote about scaling back on blogging and how I struggle with finding a balance between all or nothing, and like always I was encouraged by your sweet comments.   
In July we celebrated Addilyn's first birthday.  So much of the month before I spent planning her party and making decorations and I really enjoyed it.  Her party was so much fun and we felt love and celebration for our sweet girl.  The night of her actual birthday we had a scary and traumatic moment that involved a 911 call, which followed by a handful of times where Addilyn passed out after falling the following months.  Yet again, another lesson of giving my worries to God.  I made a teepee for our basement playroom and we spent a lot of time down there!  

In August my family went on vacation and stayed in a house in Canada.  We spent a day at Niagra falls, and lots of time hanging out together.  It was wonderful!  During the trip I got to meet a blogging friend, who has since then become one of my closest friends.  After very little weight gain over the last three months, our doctor had us do some tests for Addilyn that made me very stressed and anxious.  Thankfully everything came back normal, and we put her on medicine for acid reflux, which seemed to help her gain weight.    

In September I finally gave in to wearing real pants regularly, and accepted my new "mom" uniform.  I started working harder at not filling our days with friends and schedules, and finding joy in smaller moments.   I started redoing our dining room, living room and kitchen and shared the easiest pillow diy.  I went to a paint nite and fulfilled a life goal, and want to go again!  We got Addilyn's one year pictures back and I still look at them all the time and love them!  Also it blows my mind how much she went from looking like a baby to a toddler over the next three months. 

The biggest news of October is that I finished the Chicago marathon.  I seriously injured my knee six weeks prior and really didn't know if I'd be able to do it.  It became even more physically and emotionally exhausting than previous years, but was honestly one of my most proudest moments of my life and I'm so glad I did it.   I put Addilyn in a pumpkin and she loved it.  The pictures are some of my favorite ever of her!  I wrote some Fall goals, which were a little hit or miss throughout the season.  Even though Addilyn was sick, she was the cutest little lamb for Halloween. 

In November I celebrated my 30th birthday.  We went away for a weekend at our friends' cabin and had such a great time!  I was nervous about the long drive there but it was definitely worth it! Thanksgiving week was great!  My sister and I ran a 5K Turkey Trot, we got our Christmas tree and had a great week with our families.  I made a new wreath and hello sign for our newly painted front door and I still love it everytime I pull in our driveway.  

December.  I jumped on the blanket scarf trend happily.  The biggest news that I shared is that my sister and her family would be moving back home this month.  They moved back at Christmas, and I still can't believe they are really here!  We had a wonderful Christmas, and it continues to be so fun and exciting adding Addilyn into all our traditions and making new ones.  
Reading through these posts is a huge reminder that this last year has been really good.  We've had our moments of sickness and stresses, arguments and adjustments, but we are so blessed and truly have more than we could ever ask for.  God is so good.  

Looking through pictures

dress: online boutique    cardigan & shoes: old navy 

Christmas Eve is my favorite.  My family has always done our Christmas celebrating that evening, and while traditions have changed a little since having little kids and my brother and sister-in-law gone, it was still special.  

Everything wasn't perfect.  Addilyn barely napped and was kind of crabby that afternoon and during church.  I only sat in the service for ten minutes.  I didn't get one good picture of just her in her Christmas dress and I couldn't find any shoes for her to wear so she wore two right shoes that were hand me downs (still not sure how that happened).  It's embarrassingly easy for me to let things get me bent out of shape, especially on big days.  

But I'm slowly learning that is just life.  No day is going to be perfect and there were so many more wonderful moments. Christmas Eve was special, fun, and I love sharing the day with my family.  I thought last year's Christmas was the best, but this year with Addilyn being older and more excited about things it was even better.  To start traditions with her and for her to be with her cousins.   To watch her get excited about presents and Christmas decorations.  To teach her about Jesus' birth and the celebration of Christmas day.

I'm slowly looking through and editing pictures as there is probably one good one for every fifteen.  I used to get sad after Christmas and looking through pictures of the day made me wish it wasn't over.  But this year looking at pictures makes me thankful for my family, for traditions, and for starting a new year.  

I hope you had a wonderful Christmas with your family! It's been so nice to take time off my computer and I've thoroughly enjoyed doing other things during nap time and evenings.  I plan to do some more of that this week too.  Enjoy your last few days of 2013!

Letting Go

Addilyn's birthday day was wonderful.  Full of donuts with Chris before work, then the park, frozen yogurt, and a nap together for me and Addi.  We then headed to my parents for a birthday dinner.  Right before dinner Addilyn was climbing on my parents recliner and fell head first onto the floor.  She cried for a minute, I ran and took her from Chris and she went limp in my arms and passed out.  It was probably the scariest half a minute of my life.  Thankfully she woke up after maybe 15 seconds, that felt like forever, while Chris was on the phone with 911.  The ambulance came, paramedics checked her out and we headed to immediate care to get her looked at.  Everything looked fine, and besides checking on her a few times that night things were back to normal right away.  
It's amazing to me how it only takes seconds for something like that to happen.  Things can go from being absolutely wonderful to complete terrifying in one second. I knew before that the thought of anything happening to Addilyn was unbearable to think about, but it takes it to a new level when you're looking at your baby, unresponsive and so scared. 
Although she was okay, I feel like fear started creeping in that night and next day.  It was impossible for my mind to not wander through the what ifs. What if she had fallen on hard wood floor or what if she didn't wake up right away?  It felt impossible for me not to think about how easy it is for her to get hurt.  That I want to protect her and keep her from anything like that happening again.  To see danger in every activity we do.  Playgrounds, beach, playing in our house.  
It reminds me of this post and my desire to hold onto everything I love as tight as I can.  I want to hold on to Addilyn, hover over her and make sure nothing bad happens to her.  Addilyn is fearless and active and wants to climb and explore and when I think about how easily she could get her it makes me nervous.  But it'd be quite miserable for both of us to not experience things because I was afraid of her getting hurt.  I know there will be so many times she gets hurt, but the thought of something like this happening again is frightening.  
Motherhood is scary.  Sometimes it feels like way too big of a responsibility.  To take care of something I love more than I can ever express.   Later that night when I was crying I felt like maybe I wasn't cut out for the job of being a mom.  That it's full of far to many worries.  

I'm pretty sure the biggest lesson I've learned so far as a mom is to surrender. To continue to open my hands and give God control.  

Somedays I feel like that seems impossible. Like last night I didn't even want to fall asleep.  I wanted to check on her all night long.  Or this morning, I wanted to hold her all day and not let her go.  But I know that Addilyn is God's more than she is mine.  That I can't live in fear and need to enjoy my days with my girl. 
I want to open my hands and surrender to a God that is bigger than my fears.  Surrender my fears, anxieties and my baby to Him.