Pregnancy and Infant Loss

I feel like this is such a sensitive topic and one you have to tread lightly through, making it sometimes hard to know what the right things to say are.  This year more than others I feel like people are more vocal, raw and honest and I it is such a good thing.  On one hand it makes you know you are not alone, but on another it's a reminder to me how fragile life is.  Lately I feel like it seems harder to have a healthy baby than not.  I feel like I know more and more people who have lost babies, at all stages of their pregnancies.  And it's scary.  Being pregnant right now I feel like any day something could happen and I feel so out of control.  But I think that is something God wants.  Us to be reminded that He is in control.  That we don't call the shots and we can't predict our future.  Daily I'm surrendering this pregnancy, this sweet baby to Him.  
During our second round of IVF, we found out we were pregnant.  I can tell you exactly where we were sitting when I got the call from the nurse.  I can picture calling our parents right after.  I can tell you what I was wearing that day.  Chris and I went out to dinner to celebrate.  I have a vivid image of where we sat, our conversations, our huge excitement that we were finally pregnant.  I look back and part of me thinks how naive we were.  I didn't even question that I wouldn't hold our baby that first week in May.  Three days later I went in for more blood work and my numbers barely went up, meaning the chances were super slim of my body holding onto this baby.  We were devastated to say the least.  I went back two days later and they started going down, only to start bleeding a few days after that.  I felt almost silly for celebrating and being so excited.  But looking back I'm so glad we did.  We were thrilled we were going to be parents to that baby and already loved him or her more than we could imagine.  It was a short week of loving a baby, but it was a whole lot of love.  A whole lot of waiting and prayers for a baby we never got to meet.  
Having a miscarriage made me more cautious and guarded.  When we found out we were pregnant our third round of IVF I had a hard time being fully excited.  I was nervous at every following appointment.  Especially when I started bleeding around 5 1/2 weeks, sure I was losing our baby. Thankfully our miracle stayed put and grew to be our sweet Addilyn.  I've seen close friends lose babies at all stages and I don't know if there is anything more heartbreaking.  My group of friends sadly looks at pregnancy as scary and hard and with no guarantee because of the awful things they've endured.  And I don't blame them one bit, and many days feel the same way.  
Some days I struggle with being confident that I will hold this baby come March.  But I know that God has given us this blessing and today I am pregnant.  With a healthy baby and I am so thankful for this blessing.  This blessing that many long for and never get to experience.  I'm thankful for the baby we lost, even though we only celebrated him or her for a week.  I'm thankful for the other three embryos that we never got to see their little heartbeat but saw their tiny little selves on a screen. Those babies have shaped who I am today and made me a mom first.  
I'm grateful for a community that can celebrate and honor and grief these babies.  And I am so so thankful for this baby that is growing in my belly.  That God can do miracles and that He gave us our Addilyn and this miracle too. 

Numbers

top: gap   pants and boots: old navy  watch: c/o JORD watch
One.  The days left until we find out if our baby is a boy or girl.  I can't wait!  I'm feeling a little anxious for our appointment and just want everything to be healthy with our sweet baby.  But SO excited to find out what we're having.  
Two.  The amount of pumpkin muffins I ate yesterday, which took some serious self control. 
Four.  The amount of thank you notes I need to write.  And I'm sure come March I'll have a list of many others to write.  Perhaps if I had a stack of thank you postcards, like these from Moo, ready to go, it'd be easier to make it happen on time.  
Five.  The amount of items sitting in my cart on shein.  Here's a few of them.  I want them all!  

 plaid button up//  multicolor cardigan //  plaid cardigan Seven.  An estimate of the amount of times I cried on Monday.  It was an awful day.  So thankful the next days have been better.  

Twelve.  The cost of these pants from Old Navy.  They are super soft and stretchy perfect non-maternity maternity pants.  
Fifty three. The temperature high for Friday.  And I'm completely okay with it.  Bring on the hot apple cider and hot chocolate while sitting on our couch with a fire.  

A new hair color, jacket and two minutes of wearing these shoes

 jacket: c/o shein   tee: target   jeans: gap   booties: ?   watch: c/o JORD watch

I am in love with this jacket.  It's super thin, but comfy and makes me feel a tiny bit dressier than normal.  Which isn't super hard to do.  

Friday I had my hair cut and colored it much darker than I usually do. It's a little darker than I thought it would be but I think I really like it!  

I haven't worn shoes with heels more than an inch forever, and not sure if I can be trusted.  Trying when pregnant is probably not the best idea.  I changed them as soon as we went inside.  

This wooden watch is my absolute favorite and I wear it all the time.  

I got this necklace at a little boutique and one charm says loved and one has an A on it.  Addi now thinks every necklace I have says "A-d-d-i."  It's pretty cute.   

Speaking of necklaces, Addilyn wanted to wear one and be part of the pictures too.  Don't worry.  I dressed her before we left.

Your tribe

Yesterday one of my best friends had a lunch for woman in her "tribe."  Woman who have had been there for her and who have made a difference in her life the last year or many years.  There were about 7 woman there, and while I knew of all of them, many of them I hadn't met yet.  She made us this delicious lunch, had her house clean and beautifully decorated, and a place set with a card and beautiful quote and frame for each of us.  We spent most of the time talking, but then she went around and told each person why she appreciated them and what they meant to her.  There were quite a few tears and tenderness and it was just beautiful.  
It was this beautiful picture of the body of Christ.  My friend Meredith who hosted, has become my closest friend, even though we've only known each other for less than two years.  But ironically, as close as we are we have lots of things that are different about our personalities.  Different interests, passions, gifts.  There are many ways we relate to each other, but listening to her thank these other woman, I am so glad she has them too.  There is another woman who is doing foster care just like her, which is something that while I can listen to, I can not understand how hard that journey is. Another woman there who is a mentor to her, and is there to give her advice in areas that I too could use lots of advice in.  Another who has been friends with her since she was little, so they have this long history of friendship.  Listening to her share about each woman there, all so so different, but all in a deep friendship with her.  It's amazing how God uses people in your life in different ways.  And when you look at them all together, all these different needs that are being met.   
I think all too often and probably much of my life, I have expected a lot out of certain friendships, and am often disappointed.  I think I expect one or even two relationships to satisfy me, and meet my needs or expectations, when I don't think anyone, myself included can fulfill that.  I can have one friend who is amazing at initiating things, another who is great to just laugh with, and another who I know I can count on for a deep conversation and encouragement.  It was a reminder to me that God can use lots of people in your life.  And all for different things.  Everyone is going to have strengths and weaknesses, but when we can look at the family of Christ, or your "tribe" of woman, all the different strengths that are represented.  
I kept thinking about what a special thing it was for her to do, and how nice it was to feel loved and appreciated.  I keep wondering what it would look like if everyone first of all had a "tribe" like that, and second of all if they told each other how thankful they were for each other.  I'm so thankful for a friend that modeled that so beautifully, and would love to do the same.   

Randoms

sweater: c/o shein   tee: target   leggings: gap   booties: old navy 

I am in love with this pink sweater and I'm sure you're tired of leggings, tee and sweater outfits.  And I can't promise much different the rest of this pregnancy.  
Old Navy had free shipping on any amount yesterday and I got Addi some adorable fall clothes. Like these leggings for under $3 and this tee for under $4.  Dressing a girl is the best thing ever.  
One week until we find out this baby's gender and I can not wait! Last night I started pinning a bunch of nursery things, boy and girl and just want to know!!  
These leggings from Gap are my favorite.  They are maternity leggings and go right under my belly. They are SO comfortable and my cheap self normally wouldn't spend $22 on leggings, but they were worth it and I almost want another pair because I wear them so often. 
It is hard for me to not stress about the amount of weight gain this pregnancy.  I stressed about it when I was pregnant with Addilyn, and yet still am now.  Probably because I'm gaining more weight this time and it's hard to not have much control over it!  I'm sure I could write a whole post about pregnancy self esteem.
I am starting to have a desire to get stuff done around our house to get ready for this baby, and maybe feel a tiny bit more energy.  Hoping soon I get some big motivation to do it regardless! 
Both in Sunday school and Bible Study this week Addilyn did not cry at all in the childcare!  Huge victory! 
Happy Friday! I hope you have a great weekend!