. . . for Lauren and Lauren: March 2016

March 31, 2016

Addi says what

"We got the bad guy.  I couldn't have done it without you". 

We were trying to cut these fake flower stems with wire cutters and I couldn't get it and she said, "Oh man! That is so disappointing!"

Addi kept calling Chris "Chris" and he said don't call me that and she said, "I know what's best for you Chris."

Chris was pouring her milk and she said "I don't like a lot.  I like just enough."

"I love Molly.  She is my very best friend."

Addi wanted something in the store and Chris said no.  She kept asking and Chris sang the song "You can always get what you want.  But you get what you need." and she said, "But I neeeeed everything!"

"I have an ouchie."  I told her I thought it was dry skin and we'd put lotion on it. "No a bandage maybe?"

While I was changing Isaac's diaper, "He has a little penis.  When his penis is bigger he can pee on the toilet."  I told her she could pee on the toilet and she said "Nah. I don't have a penis."

I was giving Addi a time out for not listening to me.  She had been running around pretending to be a monster and didn't come when I called her many times.  In time out I was telling that she needed to listen when I called her and she said in a very grunting manly voice, "You can't give a monster a time out!" 

"No I am not a baby.  I can take care of myself."

Chris and her were running errands and he said "None of the stores open until ten so we'll just play in the car for 15 minutes."  She said, "No daddy.  Let's just end up instead." 

"I used your nipples when I was a baby." 

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March 29, 2016

Our Easter

Our first holiday as a family of four!  Last Easter Addilyn had the stomach flu and her and I stayed home all day and missed out on everything.  I was so disappointed, and am so thankful this year we were all healthy and had a great day.  We are so lucky that both sides of our families are close, as we have Easter all together.  It's so nice to not have to split our time, and Addilyn gets to be with all her cousins.  Such a blessing!  

Earlier in the week we dyed Easter eggs.  I have to admit, even though they were the simplest you could get, I was really proud of myself for doing them.  Addilyn was so happy and it really was fun!

Saturday we went to an Easter egg hunt at my parents' church.  Addilyn had a really great time until she had a total meltdown after an hour and half.  They had games and activities to do inside the church and there were tons of people.  Not sure what went wrong but I ended up trying to walk through a big crowd of people with Isaac in the carrier and Addilyn on my hip.  I should probably get used to that, right?

We didn't go to church Sunday morning as I'm still nervous about bringing Isaac around a lot of people, and figure this is probably the most crowded Sunday.  I debated even putting Addilyn in her Easter dress, but am so glad we did, especially because we didn't get to do it last year. 

I wanted a fancy outfit for Isaac but could not justify spending $20 on something he'll probably spit up on and not wear again.  So a cute tie onesie it was. 

And this made the Easter dress all worth it.  I think it's my favorite picture of all of them. I am so thankful that Addilyn gets to grow up with her cousins.  They love each other so much.  Hope you all had a wonderful Easter!

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March 28, 2016


sweatshirt: c/o shein

The other day someone posted a status with the hashtag winning at the end.  But it was a more real winning status, like I'm doing a great job mothering.  My sister and I were joking about how we have some more appropriate uses of the hashtag, like how the first week Isaac was here I said to Addilyn, 

"You have to eat your Captain Crunch before you finish your cupcake." #winning

Or . . .  

One night last week was particularly rough when Addilyn was reaching the hour plus mark of not being asleep and there were still dishes to do and I was exhausted.  Chris fell asleep on the couch and I was literally mad, waking him up saying "Are you really that exhausted at 8:30?" #winning #wifeoftheyear

That my Cadbury egg bag count is well over six.  #winning #fitmom

A friend dropped off a big box of munchkin donuts and I let Addilyn eat two.  Then an hour later she asked for another one and I said sure.  My philosophy went to "she'll eat them anyway so may as well get it over with."  Snack. Donut.  Lunch.  Donut.  Dessert.  Donut.  #winning 

Real winning would be that this cute sweatshirt is under $20 and super cute and comfy! 

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March 24, 2016

Things I've forgotten about having a baby

How much baby's spit up and poop.  I forgot that after you feed them, especially in the middle of the night, it can take an hour to get them back down.  Change, swaddle, rock to sleep.  Then poop and start all over again.  And sometimes again.  And maybe again.  

And how much laundry a tiny person can make.  Thank you pee and spit up.

That I do not want to put him down ever.  I thought maybe this would change since having a baby already, but not at all.  I've already cried a few times because I got to hold Addilyn nonstop and I wish I could do the same.  The second Addi is down for a nap or for bedtime, all I want to do and do is snuggle and hold and look at Isaac.  I want to soak up every chance I get to hold him.  

How overwhelming a new baby is.  They are so tiny and so helpless and depend on you for everything.  Even though I am less anxious in general this time around, it is still overwhelming that I am in charge of him all day and night.  

Cabin fever.  With Addilyn I was so scared she would get sick, I don't think we left our house for at least four weeks and even then not much.  We have taken Isaac to the doctors and to the store once, but we know so many people who are sick and there is so much going around that I am scared of him getting sick.  Or even Addilyn getting something.  Although thanks to Chris and Grandma, she has been able to get out and do quite a bit still.  Hopefully in a few more weeks we'll be in more of a routine and will be out more, and the weather is getting nicer so at least we should be able to get outside!

How hard and uncomfortable nursing is.  I nursed Addilyn until she was 22 months, but at that point it was so easy.  I didn't have to wear nursing pads, or even nursing bras.  I wasn't nursing her often so I didn't have to worry about clothes that worked for it and it was such a habit, we didn't have to work at it at all.  The beginning of nursing is so hard.  I have an oversupply, which is great except that it's super painful, took a lot of work before Isaac could latch on each time.  He also has a tongue tie so that's been trickier to work with.  And my boobs are so full and huge and just hurt! I'm excited for a few weeks from now when it's more comfortable for both of us.  

Hormones.  They can come out of nowhere and I can cry for no reason.  Exhaustion, love, overwhelmed, lonely, physically feeling like not myself.  So many things going on and so much to adjust to, then add in hormones and yikes.  Some moments are hard.  

How immediately you are so in love.  I did worry that I wouldn't feel as attached to him as I did to Addilyn.  I think there was part of me that was worried that because Addilyn was so waited for and we went through so much for her to get here, I wouldn't feel the same attachment with Isaac.  There is no debate that I love him just as much and can not imagine my life without him.  

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March 23, 2016

Isaac's nicu stay

Everything went so well with my labor and delivery, but unfortunately not our entire hospital stay was easy.  It's hard for me to not be really disappointed that it didn't go as I planned, but I continually remind myself of how many things went well and that at the end we have a healthy baby and I am so grateful for that.  When Addilyn was born we had a great first day and night and found out in the morning that she had jaundice and then spent the next three days in the special care nursery.  Well the same thing happened with Isaac.  Everything was wonderful and then the next morning he ended up going to the nicu and staying there until we went home three days later.

The afternoon after he was born I was holding him and he was making some gagging sounds and I saw white stuff in his mouth like he was trying to spit up.  He swallowed it and then seemed fine after.  Same thing happened later that night and around three in the morning he started breathing kind of weird, almost like he was congested and couldn't breathe through his nose.  When the pediatrician came in the early morning we mentioned it, he sounded fine then and she checked everything and he seemed fine.  Ten minutes after she left he was doing it again, making distress sounds breathing and not being able to breathe through his nose.  We called the nurse and she agreed it didn't sound right and took him down to the special care nursery.  Chris went with and about 15 minutes later the nurse came and asked if I wanted to go down there. 

I thought I'd walk in and see Chris holding him and they'd tell me everything was fine, but when I walked in he was hooked up to all these things, including an iv, and his little chest was breathing so heavy.  It was so sad and I felt overwhelmed and didn't even hear what the doctor was saying.  Combined with it being so hot in there, having not had a ton to eat and walking after not moving at all, I felt like I was going to pass out.  They got me a chair and juice and I started crying.  The doctor said he oxygen levels were low and they were going to check to make sure his lungs were clear with an x-ray and monitor him for awhile.  When they took blood his white blood cell count was high, which can be common in newborns, but they gave him antibiotics just in case.  

I felt nervous and so disappointed.  I was worried that he was going to get some kind of infection or had something in his lungs.  I was so sad people couldn't come visit and that he was stuck in the nicu. Thankfully I could still hold him, but they didn't want me to nurse because they didn't want his body to have to work any extra.  By night time he was breathing normal and his levels normal, his lungs came back clear but he still sounded like his nasal passage was blocked and couldn't breathe through it.  The next two nights we slept in the hospital room (they were so nice to let us stay an extra night even though I was discharged) and they'd call me when he needed to eat.  His nose would seem to clear, but then if he got upset from a diaper change, or from trying to latch, he'd get worked up and start to have trouble breathing again.  By Monday night he had been breathing better since the afternoon and while the different doctors had slightly different opinions, they found out his nasal passage was really narrow and he somehow got something in his nasal passage.  Either fluid from labor or colostrum from nursing.  Every time someone tried to clear it, it was probably just getting more inflamed and irritated.  But all his other levels were great and he sounded clear through the night, so they let us leave Tuesday morning.

Looking back, like many things in life, it ended up not being a huge deal.  But in the moments it was scary and not what I planned.  I am so thankful that we brought home a healthy baby boy and only a day and half later than we had originally planned.   I felt sad that we didn't get to have visitors come after the first day just like with Addilyn, but again, such a small thing compared to what so many people have to deal with.  I'm so thankful for such great nurses and doctors that are cautious and made sure our sweet boy was healthy before we brought him home!

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March 21, 2016

Addi meets Isaac

One of the biggest things I was worried about when it came to giving birth was how Addilyn would do and the details of where she'd be and who would watch her, and then how she'd be with bringing her baby brother home.  Looking back, as with most things, it was wasted time, as she did so well! We're so lucky to have lots of family around and my sister in law stayed with her most of the time, and my mother in law did some of the other.  It worked out so well to go into labor in the middle of the night and have him by late morning.  My sister in law came to our house and Addilyn asked when she got her out of bed "Is mama having the baby?"  Lauren brought her to the hospital after her nap that afternoon.  

I was worried how she'd act, and had read a few people's advice about how the mom shouldn't be holding the baby and should pay full attention to the older child.  I made sure Chris was holding Isaac when Addilyn came in and thought she'd be so excited to see me.  She came running up to the bed, starting climbing up and then said "Where is my baby brother?"  Saw him on Chris' lap and ran straight over there, way more concerned with him then me.  I was thrilled.  She wanted to hold him and couldn't believe how tiny he was.  

She kept kissing him and talking about his little feet and fingers and kept saying "I love you baby Isaac" over and over.  I can cry thinking about that moment and how surreal it felt that he was part of our family and that Addilyn was a big sister.  I also couldn't believe how immediately my tiny two year old looked like a giant and weighed a hundred pounds. 

When we got home a few days later Addilyn had made a cake for Isaac with my mother in law.  Carrot cake, which is my favorite!  It was so sweet and she was so excited for him to be home. 

Our first morning together as a family of four:

 Transitions are hard.  Especially when you're so used to your normal routine, like Addilyn and I have been for quite awhile.  It has been an adjustment for sure and we are only getting started!  But she has done so much better than I expected.  She is so sweet with Isaac, is thrilled to show him off and tells him she loves him so many times a day.  I am definitely having my moments of struggling with not having my undivided attention for either of my kids and missing my time and days with just Addilyn, yet wanting nothing but to sit and hold Isaac all day long.  It is hard and I remind myself that giving Addilyn and Isaac a sibling is such a gift and blessing and that they will both be better for it.  I still can't believe I can say kids now and already can't imagine life without my sweet boy!

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March 20, 2016

An outfit, weekend outing, and help needed

top: c/o make me chic   shoes: justfab  scarf: target 

This top is perfect for nursing because you can just unbutton the top.  I forget how much nursing dictates your wardrobe, especially at the beginning when you're doing it so often.  Which means a lot of my summer dresses will be a no go.  

I think I'm going to be dealing with some Sunday night depression for awhile because the weekend is over and Chris goes to work for a whole week.  Weekends are so nice because it's more time to rest, sleep a little longer while Isaac is sleeping and he gets up with Addilyn, and more help around the house.  And the bachelor isn't on so less reason to look forward to Monday.  

Chris and I were going to go out to dinner with just us and Isaac on Saturday while Addilyn was going to sleepover at my in laws.  It ended up not happening but I badly wanted to get out of the house, so the four of us went to an easy dinner and to Old Navy and ice cream.  All very short trips, but we made it.  I'm sure it will take lots of practice and time before it seems easy or normal to be out.

Addilyn has been struggling to go down for naps and for bedtime and her morning wake up has been all over the place.  From 5:00 to 7:00 and all in between.  I'm sure it's a combination of adding a new baby, the time change and just being a toddler, but I'm ready for it to be over.

We don't have plans this week and the weather is supposed to be cold, even saying snow one day. That may just heighten my hormones to a whole new extreme.  I need some things to make the week go faster.  Help.     

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March 17, 2016

You Should Know . . . . .

top: c/o make me chic   pants: gap

These aren't real jeans.  They are "jeggings" and are ridiculously stretchy and I love them.  I'm sure these are the only pair of jeans I'll wear for a long time.

That my awkward hand was necessary due to the wind.

That I love the back of this top but clearly need an iron. 

As tired as I am, and as exhausting as a newborn is, I'd take this kind of tired over the last month of pregnancy tired.

I can't stop watching Married at First Sight on demand.  I've watched almost two seasons. 

That I am so so thankful for the people that have brought us meals.  It really is such a blessing.

How happy I am that it's almost the weekend and that I've made it through a full week with two kids.

I typed this post one handed thanks to holding a sleeping baby.  I do not want to put him down ever!

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March 14, 2016

Isaac's birth story

At my 38 week appointment I measured 37.5 weeks, and had measured 35 the week before.  The doctor said based on that as well as him feeling my belly, he guessed the baby was already 8.5 to 9 pounds.  He suggested I had an ultrasound at my next appointment to check on his size, especially considering Addilyn was a bigger baby (almost nine pounds).  I asked if we could do the ultrasound earlier and he said sure, so we scheduled it for the following Monday.  He briefly talked about the options if baby was measuring really big, but Addilyn was in the room and was not being quiet and I felt overwhelmed at the thought of being induced and didn't ask a lot of questions.  

I called my nurse friend (who helped deliver Addilyn) on the way home and felt a little better after talking to her, but felt anxious at the idea of being induced.  I was only a cm dilated at that appointment and not fully thinned out yet.  I was nervous that being induced would bring a long labor, similar to Addilyn's or increase the chance of a c-section.  It was hard to wait until my appointment Monday.  

On Monday Chris and I (no Addilyn, thankfully) went for the ultrasound and they estimated he weighed 7 pounds 13 ounces, but his head measured 41 weeks.  Although they reminded me how many pounds or weeks you can give or take, which is almost silly they even do these since they can be so off.  So not as big as they thought.  I did measure higher on the fluid end which I'm sure contributed to my belly size.  

We talked with the doctor and he eased my fears of being induced and told me that it was totally up to me.  Either way he said he'd bet my labor to be half the time of Addilyn's and being induced didn't up my chances of a c-section.  The idea of planning when we could go in, mostly for Addilyn's sake was appealing so we scheduled my induction for Tuesday, March 1st.  I wanted Saturday or Sunday but he said they don't plan inductions for the weekend.  He said we could do Monday, but I didn't want to pick Leap Year day for his birthday!  He told me he'd see me Tuesday and based on my progress didn't expect me to go into labor any earlier.  

I had been having plenty of Braxton Hicks contractions, but at each appointment had no progress so I didn't think they were doing much.  Friday I was feeling extra uncomforable and that afternoon Addilyn and I went to my parents and took a bath in their big whirlpool bathtub.  We put Addilyn to bed and I felt the same as I had the last four nights.  Extra uncomfortable and nauseous (I had thrown up the last few nights), and I am pretty sure I lost part of my mucus plug that night.  Something that didn't happen with Addilyn.  I went to bed around 11 and thankfully fell asleep right away.  At 2:30 I woke with a strong contraction and looked at my clock right away.  It lasted about 30 seconds, and then 8 minutes later another one.  I did not think this was labor, but did think it was a real contraction. I was afraid I wouldn't remember the difference but I certainly did!  I immediately felt it in my back too.  7 minutes later and I had another one.  I texted my sister and laid in bed another 20 minutes, and had a few more contractions.  

I woke Chris up, told him I was having contractions and was going to shower to see if they lasted. I got in the shower and they started being 6 minutes apart, a few five or less.  I woke up Chris and told him I was pretty sure this was it, but assumed they'd last awhile like Addilyn's did.  I told him he didn't need to get up, but he did (good call, Chris!).  We went into the living room and they got pretty intense fast.  My back hurt so bad, and I couldn't talk or find any comfortable position.  I'm pretty sure I texted my sister "epidural me" at about 3:30. I did not remember how painful contractions are and kept thinking I don't think I can do this! 

I debated when to call the doctor, and kept thinking of Addilyn's labor and how we were home for 14 hours of contractions and got to the hospital only to be a cm dilated.  It was almost 4 at this point and I thought I'd call around 5:30.  By 4:30 I was in a ton of pain and figured we should get my sister in law over here to stay with Addilyn, so we started texting (then calling) her.  My contractions were consistently about a minute long and were all under 5 minutes, some 3 and a half.  We called the doctor and he told me to go to the hospital and he'd call and tell we were coming.  Lauren got here and we got in the car to go.  

(I have to add this because it's funny now but every contraction Chris kept telling me to smile through it.  I kept getting so annoyed that he was saying that and he kept saying "that is what they told us in the birthing class, I remember."  I kept telling him I don't care what they say to say, that was not helping!) 

Chris drove through McDonald's on the way there which is again funny to me now.  I didn't think I was close to having a baby, so I didn't mind, but did have a contraction while he was paying.  Chris told the lady we were on our way to have a baby and she got all frazzled trying to give him his money quickly. 

We got to the hospital at 5:30 and I was having contractions about every three and half minutes. They walked me up to the room and I changed.  The nurse came in and I told her to please just tell me I was at least 2 cm dilated.  She checked and told me I was almost 7 cm! I seriously started crying happy tears and wanted to hug her.  I was so relieved and couldn't believe I was already that close to meeting my baby!  She asked me what my birth plan was and I said "Get this baby out as quickly as possible."  She laughed, but that was really all I had.  

I asked for an epidural and about an hour later got one when I was 8 cm. It worked pretty quickly and it was nice to relax a little bit.  The doctor came and checked me and said that when he felt the head, it bobbed up when he touched it.  That there was so much fluid in there and he wasn't low enough to start pushing.  He said if I started pushing soon he'd be afraid an arm or part of the umbilical cord could come out first.  He came back half hour later and I was 9.5 cm dilated.  He said he wanted to poke a hole in my water bag so it would drain slowly, hoping to have him come down, but when he checked me my water broke on its own.  He said he'd give me time before pushing, hoping he would come lower.  

He came back an hour later and could feel his head and said it was time to start pushing.  I started pushing and most of the time I could feel the contractions pretty intensely, but only on my left side, both in the front and strongly in the back.  I'm guessing my epidural went in towards the right. I asked for more a few times, but it didn't seem to help.  I can't remember the exact pain with Addilyn's birth, and they had turned my epidural off after a half hour, so I know I felt a ton with her, but these seemed more intense.  Or I just forgot.  

I'd have lots of contractions that were two minutes long, then only 30 seconds break in the middle. There was only one other nurse in there and she was great.  Encouraging, sweet and did an awesome job.  The first 20 minutes of contractions, every time I pushed fluid just poured out.  They had to change my pads, sheets, and towels every time. The nurse and even the doctor when he was in there were laughing, because they couldn't believe how much was in there.  She said it was probably close to three gallons.  My stomach seriously deflated a good amount and I felt so much less pressure when it all came out.  So maybe not a big baby, but tons of fluid!

About a half hour in, I felt something come out when I pushed.  The nurse looked down and said something like "I'm not sure what that is."  Cue panic and me starting to freak out, like "what the heck is down there?"  She called the doctor and I was panicking asking Chris a million questions.  Doctor came in and apparently there's a thing called a fore bag, which is like a small extra bag of waters?  He wasn't worried, popped it and more fluid.  Childbirth is so weird. 

Lots more pushing, and baby was having a hard time getting passed my pelvis just like Addilyn. Thankfully he turned his head on his own, so I felt like it was going to be easier and faster, which it was.  After an hour the nurse told me that I was close and I asked her how close and she said 10-15 minutes.  I started crying because I was so ready to be done and so ready to meet him.     

With Addilyn's birth everything was such a blur when she was born.  At that point I was so physically exhausted and then she came out not breathing and it was scary and hard.  I had prayed and prayed that when Isaac was born I would be able to hold him on my chest.  I remember when the nurse told me that he would come in ten to fifteen minutes, I told myself to hold on to that moment he came out as long as possible.  With any of these big life experiences I feel like you think about the moment so much before and then it's over and hard to remember what it was like.  My wedding, crossing the finish line at the marathon, Addilyn's birth.  And you can't ever experience it again.  I wanted to be as present as possible, as I didn't get to feel like that the first time.  

And praise God that I was.  I pushed two more times and his head came out, and then his shoulder. And then I heard the sweetest sound.  He came out screaming.  Like the loudest, healthiest baby scream I had ever heard.  Before the rest of his body was even out.  And I could not have been happier.  My baby boy was here.  He was healthy, and Chris got to cut the cord and then they placed him on my chest, just like everything I had imagined.  He was still crying loud and strong, and I laughed and cried and couldn't believe he was mine.  And it was all worth it.  Nine months of pregnancy, labor and the recovery to come.  I'd do it all over again for him.   

They cleaned him off, weighed him (8 pounds 2 ounces, 20.5 inches) and I just laid there watching, so happy.  I can't tell you the difference this labor was compared to Addilyn.  It was exactly what I had hoped and prayed for.  To be dilated when I got to the hospital, for my labor to go quickly, to push less than three hours, and to be able to hold my baby when he came out.  I can't explain how redeeming this experience was. How thankful I am to God for this blessing of my baby boy, and a for a labor that went so well.  

Unfortunately the day after Isaac was born he started to have some breathing issues and we ended up spending the next two days in the nicu.  As you can imagine I was scared and so disappointed our hospital stay wasn't all easy.  I texted a friend that I felt like I got jipped again (we had to stay in the nicu with Addilyn too) and she told me to not let Satan steal my joy of such a great labor experience. I'm thankful for her and that reminder as everything about my labor was so good and I don't want it to lessen that experience.  I'll share more soon about our nicu stay and Addilyn meeting Isaac for the first time . . . . 

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