At my 38 week appointment I measured 37.5 weeks, and had measured 35 the week before. The doctor said based on that as well as him feeling my belly, he guessed the baby was already 8.5 to 9 pounds. He suggested I had an ultrasound at my next appointment to check on his size, especially considering Addilyn was a bigger baby (almost nine pounds). I asked if we could do the ultrasound earlier and he said sure, so we scheduled it for the following Monday. He briefly talked about the options if baby was measuring really big, but Addilyn was in the room and was not being quiet and I felt overwhelmed at the thought of being induced and didn't ask a lot of questions.
I called my nurse friend (who helped deliver Addilyn) on the way home and felt a little better after talking to her, but felt anxious at the idea of being induced. I was only a cm dilated at that appointment and not fully thinned out yet. I was nervous that being induced would bring a long labor, similar to Addilyn's or increase the chance of a c-section. It was hard to wait until my appointment Monday.
On Monday Chris and I (no Addilyn, thankfully) went for the ultrasound and they estimated he weighed 7 pounds 13 ounces, but his head measured 41 weeks. Although they reminded me how many pounds or weeks you can give or take, which is almost silly they even do these since they can be so off. So not as big as they thought. I did measure higher on the fluid end which I'm sure contributed to my belly size.
We talked with the doctor and he eased my fears of being induced and told me that it was totally up to me. Either way he said he'd bet my labor to be half the time of Addilyn's and being induced didn't up my chances of a c-section. The idea of planning when we could go in, mostly for Addilyn's sake was appealing so we scheduled my induction for Tuesday, March 1st. I wanted Saturday or Sunday but he said they don't plan inductions for the weekend. He said we could do Monday, but I didn't want to pick Leap Year day for his birthday! He told me he'd see me Tuesday and based on my progress didn't expect me to go into labor any earlier.
I had been having plenty of Braxton Hicks contractions, but at each appointment had no progress so I didn't think they were doing much. Friday I was feeling extra uncomforable and that afternoon Addilyn and I went to my parents and took a bath in their big whirlpool bathtub. We put Addilyn to bed and I felt the same as I had the last four nights. Extra uncomfortable and nauseous (I had thrown up the last few nights), and I am pretty sure I lost part of my mucus plug that night. Something that didn't happen with Addilyn. I went to bed around 11 and thankfully fell asleep right away. At 2:30 I woke with a strong contraction and looked at my clock right away. It lasted about 30 seconds, and then 8 minutes later another one. I did not think this was labor, but did think it was a real contraction. I was afraid I wouldn't remember the difference but I certainly did! I immediately felt it in my back too. 7 minutes later and I had another one. I texted my sister and laid in bed another 20 minutes, and had a few more contractions.
I woke Chris up, told him I was having contractions and was going to shower to see if they lasted. I got in the shower and they started being 6 minutes apart, a few five or less. I woke up Chris and told him I was pretty sure this was it, but assumed they'd last awhile like Addilyn's did. I told him he didn't need to get up, but he did (good call, Chris!). We went into the living room and they got pretty intense fast. My back hurt so bad, and I couldn't talk or find any comfortable position. I'm pretty sure I texted my sister "epidural me" at about 3:30. I did not remember how painful contractions are and kept thinking I don't think I can do this!
I debated when to call the doctor, and kept thinking of Addilyn's labor and how we were home for 14 hours of contractions and got to the hospital only to be a cm dilated. It was almost 4 at this point and I thought I'd call around 5:30. By 4:30 I was in a ton of pain and figured we should get my sister in law over here to stay with Addilyn, so we started texting (then calling) her. My contractions were consistently about a minute long and were all under 5 minutes, some 3 and a half. We called the doctor and he told me to go to the hospital and he'd call and tell we were coming. Lauren got here and we got in the car to go.
(I have to add this because it's funny now but every contraction Chris kept telling me to smile through it. I kept getting so annoyed that he was saying that and he kept saying "that is what they told us in the birthing class, I remember." I kept telling him I don't care what they say to say, that was not helping!)
Chris drove through McDonald's on the way there which is again funny to me now. I didn't think I was close to having a baby, so I didn't mind, but did have a contraction while he was paying. Chris told the lady we were on our way to have a baby and she got all frazzled trying to give him his money quickly.
We got to the hospital at 5:30 and I was having contractions about every three and half minutes. They walked me up to the room and I changed. The nurse came in and I told her to please just tell me I was at least 2 cm dilated. She checked and told me I was almost 7 cm! I seriously started crying happy tears and wanted to hug her. I was so relieved and couldn't believe I was already that close to meeting my baby! She asked me what my birth plan was and I said "Get this baby out as quickly as possible." She laughed, but that was really all I had.
I asked for an epidural and about an hour later got one when I was 8 cm. It worked pretty quickly and it was nice to relax a little bit. The doctor came and checked me and said that when he felt the head, it bobbed up when he touched it. That there was so much fluid in there and he wasn't low enough to start pushing. He said if I started pushing soon he'd be afraid an arm or part of the umbilical cord could come out first. He came back half hour later and I was 9.5 cm dilated. He said he wanted to poke a hole in my water bag so it would drain slowly, hoping to have him come down, but when he checked me my water broke on its own. He said he'd give me time before pushing, hoping he would come lower.
He came back an hour later and could feel his head and said it was time to start pushing. I started pushing and most of the time I could feel the contractions pretty intensely, but only on my left side, both in the front and strongly in the back. I'm guessing my epidural went in towards the right. I asked for more a few times, but it didn't seem to help. I can't remember the exact pain with Addilyn's birth, and they had turned my epidural off after a half hour, so I know I felt a ton with her, but these seemed more intense. Or I just forgot.
I'd have lots of contractions that were two minutes long, then only 30 seconds break in the middle. There was only one other nurse in there and she was great. Encouraging, sweet and did an awesome job. The first 20 minutes of contractions, every time I pushed fluid just poured out. They had to change my pads, sheets, and towels every time. The nurse and even the doctor when he was in there were laughing, because they couldn't believe how much was in there. She said it was probably close to three gallons. My stomach seriously deflated a good amount and I felt so much less pressure when it all came out. So maybe not a big baby, but tons of fluid!
About a half hour in, I felt something come out when I pushed. The nurse looked down and said something like "I'm not sure what that is." Cue panic and me starting to freak out, like "what the heck is down there?" She called the doctor and I was panicking asking Chris a million questions. Doctor came in and apparently there's a thing called a fore bag, which is like a small extra bag of waters? He wasn't worried, popped it and more fluid. Childbirth is so weird.
Lots more pushing, and baby was having a hard time getting passed my pelvis just like Addilyn. Thankfully he turned his head on his own, so I felt like it was going to be easier and faster, which it was. After an hour the nurse told me that I was close and I asked her how close and she said 10-15 minutes. I started crying because I was so ready to be done and so ready to meet him.
With Addilyn's birth everything was such a blur when she was born. At that point I was so physically exhausted and then she came out not breathing and it was scary and hard. I had prayed and prayed that when Isaac was born I would be able to hold him on my chest. I remember when the nurse told me that he would come in ten to fifteen minutes, I told myself to hold on to that moment he came out as long as possible. With any of these big life experiences I feel like you think about the moment so much before and then it's over and hard to remember what it was like. My wedding, crossing the finish line at the marathon, Addilyn's birth. And you can't ever experience it again. I wanted to be as present as possible, as I didn't get to feel like that the first time.
And praise God that I was. I pushed two more times and his head came out, and then his shoulder. And then I heard the sweetest sound. He came out screaming. Like the loudest, healthiest baby scream I had ever heard. Before the rest of his body was even out. And I could not have been happier. My baby boy was here. He was healthy, and Chris got to cut the cord and then they placed him on my chest, just like everything I had imagined. He was still crying loud and strong, and I laughed and cried and couldn't believe he was mine. And it was all worth it. Nine months of pregnancy, labor and the recovery to come. I'd do it all over again for him.
They cleaned him off, weighed him (8 pounds 2 ounces, 20.5 inches) and I just laid there watching, so happy. I can't tell you the difference this labor was compared to Addilyn. It was exactly what I had hoped and prayed for. To be dilated when I got to the hospital, for my labor to go quickly, to push less than three hours, and to be able to hold my baby when he came out. I can't explain how redeeming this experience was. How thankful I am to God for this blessing of my baby boy, and a for a labor that went so well.
Unfortunately the day after Isaac was born he started to have some breathing issues and we ended up spending the next two days in the nicu. As you can imagine I was scared and so disappointed our hospital stay wasn't all easy. I texted a friend that I felt like I got jipped again (we had to stay in the nicu with Addilyn too) and she told me to not let Satan steal my joy of such a great labor experience. I'm thankful for her and that reminder as everything about my labor was so good and I don't want it to lessen that experience. I'll share more soon about our nicu stay and Addilyn meeting Isaac for the first time . . . .
I may have watched this countless times this week and cried. I can't even believe I am the mom of a one year old and that a year ago I meet her for the first time.
A year ago tonight Chris and I headed to the hospital after about ten hours of contractions at home. I did lots of walking, many hours of waiting and over three and half hours of pushing to meet our sweet Addilyn Jane. I think about the day she was born and it did not go as I had planned. My labor was full of way more pain than I had anticipated, a whole lot more pushing than I expected and I didn't get to put her on my chest like I had hoped. I felt scared and honestly a little traumatized by the whole thing.
But when I think about the moments I got to hold Addilyn for the first time, it was so worth it. The nine months of worry and excitement, waiting for our miracle baby. The exhausting days in the hospital and first days home. And I would do it again in a heartbeat. I so badly wish it was possible to go back in time for that moment. To look at her face and hold her tiny little self for the first time. To relive the moment when I became a mom.
It's hard for me to believe a whole year has passed. How much she has changed and how different our lives our. Motherhood has been a rollercoaster, full of so many emotions. I imagine each year after to be the same. Days of pure joy and contentment. Days of exhaustion and questioning what I am doing and how am I responsible for raising her. But at the end of the each day I couldn't be more thankful for Addilyn.
I feel like for so many months after Addilyn was born I thought that I'd blink my eyes and this whole motherhood role would be gone. That I was living someone else's life and it wasn't a reality that I was a mom. These last many months it's finally sunk in that we really are a family of three. I can't even imagine our lives with Addilyn.
I don't always understand why it took so long for us to have a baby, but I know that on days that are hard it's given me a new perspective of gratefulness for Addilyn. I feel so blessed to have a happy, and healthy daughter.
I'm sad this first year is over. I miss the baby snuggles, the hours of holding a sleeping baby during the day, and the awe of a precious little miracle. I didn't expect to be so emotional about her turning one. About saying goodbye to the baby stage. But I know there are so many things to come that I will love. I can't wait for her to run to me and hug me. To tell me she loves me. I know there are so many experiences to come and I can't wait to go through them with Addilyn.
Motherhood has been harder than I thought it would be. It's been more tiring, and draining and emotional than I had imagined. But I also couldn't imagine how amazing it would be. I couldn't imagine how much my heart would be full when I witnessed her first time rolling over or hearing her laugh. I thank God for making me a mom a year ago. For giving me a silly, adorable, social, and fun baby girl.
Addilyn Jane I love you more than you know. I love your big brown eyes, your little legs and long torso. I love your wild giggle when you're going after something you know you shouldn't. I love how you rest your head on my shoulder when I sing you a song before you go to bed. You fearlessness sometimes makes me nervous, but I love your excitement for new things. I love how social you are and how happy you get when a friend comes over. I love how you flail your arms and legs when you're excited about something like going outside, eating blueberries or Molly running into the room. You make my heart happy and I am so lucky to be your mom.
Happy birthday sweet girl! We think you are the best thing ever. You were so worth the wait.
As hard as labor was and as happy as I was that it was over, there is a part of me that is sad it's over. It becomes such a blur (which is a good thing for forgetting the pain) but sad because it was the biggest day of our lives and I wish I could relive the moment I met Addilyn for the first time, as so much of it has already blended together in my mind. I've gone back into this post many times to read it and write more, and each time get all teary eyed, still having a hard time grasping that this was my birth story for my baby.
Our delivery and even hospital stay wasn't what I pictured or thought it would be, but I can only imagine very few people's are, as there is so much you can't control. I said many times after she was born that I never want to go through labor again, as it was so hard. I think I am pretty tough and it was definitely harder than I imagined it to be. But I am surprised and thankful how quickly my mind and body is starting to forget how hard and painful it was, but of course unbelievably worth it.
I had convinced myself that I was going to go passed my due date and even that I was going to have to be induced, which is so silly because I was told over and over anything can change in a day. I had gone to the dr. on Tuesday and like all my appointments before wasn't dilated, effaced and baby wasn't even that low. The dr. said he would bet on seeing me next week to talk about what to do now that I'd be passed my due date.
(Only this happy after the epidural)
So Saturday morning when I woke up with contractions at 5:30 I didn't think that was "it." After an hour of walking around, cleaning up the kitchen and stopping every 5 to 10 minutes with a contraction I woke up Chris and told him we should start timing them. So we did. For a really, really long time. I had contractions 5 minutes, then 8, then 3 then 10 and on for hours. I called my dr. around 9, who told me I could go to the hospital or I could wait it out awhile longer. I was so nervous I'd get to the hospital and they'd tell me I wasn't even dilated and send me home.
Around 4 we called our good friend Dawn (who just quit her job as a nurse at our hospital) and asked her what we should do. She told us to wait it out a little longer, that we'd rather be home than at the hospital if I wasn't close to labor. So more waiting and lots more contractions. We tried to watch tv but every 5 minutes or so I'd have to stand up and deal with increasingly more painful contractions. I started having bad back labor and around 7:30 could not handle it anymore at home. I was convinced we'd get to the hospital and I'd be at least 5 cm and ready for her to come!
We drove to the hospital, checked in and the nurse checked and I was only 1 cm, 80% effaced. I was so disappointed. The dr. said I could go home or walk around for two hours and check again. To no surprise I started crying quite hard. I did NOT want to go home. I couldn't believe I was still far from having a baby and was in this much pain. More tears came because I felt like I must be so weak if I was this uncomfortable and not far into labor and couldn't imagine what the rest of it was going to be like. But at this point I had been having consistent contractions for 14 hours. When they made me lay down my legs were so shaky and I was exhausted. We decided to stay and walked up and down the hallway, stopping every three minutes for a contraction. Many tears of exhaustion, fear, pain and nerves continued.
They checked again around 10:00 and I was maybe 2 cm dilated and 90%. More tears. (Notice a pattern? It only continues.) The dr. said he could break my water or we could keep waiting. When he told me I could be in labor like I was for 36 hours I could not handle that thought so we decided to break my water. Soon after that he gave me pitocin, since my contractions weren't effective enough to dilate me further and I got an epidural soon after. Again, I felt like a wuss since I wasn't far along, but was okay with not trying to tough it out as I was SO exhausted. I was terrified of the epidural as my whole body was super shaky and I was having contractions every 2 to 3 minutes. But it went fine and I am SO thankful I did it.
From about midnight to five in the morning I felt quite relaxed. I couldn't sleep because I couldn't stop staring at her heart rate on the machine, knowing that we were going to met our daughter the next morning. It was hard to believe that this was really happening.
Thankfully I pretty quickly progressed to 10cm by 6:00 the next morning. Around 5:30 we called our friend Dawn again and she came to the hospital to be in the room with us for the delivery. This was the biggest blessing, as she is someone we trust, who knows us and was such a great encouragement during labor.
Before I started pushing the dr. told us that our baby's head was the wrong way, facing up and he was going to try to turn it. I started pushing and he tried to turn her head. After about 20 minutes of no luck he left for awhile and came back and tried again. This time he turned my epidural down, since I was not pushing effectively enough. Within 20 minutes I started to feel just about everything.
After an hour or so of pushing he got her head almost facing down but not quite. Which is part of the reason I ended up pushing so long, because the biggest part of her head was having a hard time getting passed my pelvic bone. I kept pushing and pushing for what seemed like forever. I remember Dawn saying that most first time moms push between one to three hours. At this point it had been two hours and I remember thinking, okay the most I'd go is one more hour, I can do this.
All my pushing and she wasn't making too much progress with moving lower. They had me try lots of different positions to push. I started feeling really nauseous and threw up a few times. During this point I couldn't imagine anything more painful. I even told Chris I'd rather run a marathon than try to push a baby out without an epidural, which was pretty non existent at this point.
It was close to three hours and I knew we weren't super close to her coming out. The dr. came back in and told me that I couldn't push much longer. I wouldn't be able to do it much longer, the baby wouldn't be able to handle it well and it clearly wasn't working. He said I could have a c-section or he could try to assist her out with a vacuum. Yep, lots more tears here. I couldn't imagine having a c-section at this point, after all this work and pushing. After asking lots of questions about the vacuum we decided to try that. I was so worried that it wasn't going to work. Part of me felt like she was going to stay in there forever.
They prepared the room for her to come and got ready. After he put in the vacuum we waited for the next contraction and I could start to feel her moving. I was so relived that it was working. I remember Chris telling me he could see her head and he fought back his tears. It was such an overwhelming feeling to know that I was minutes away from meeting my daughter.
A few more pushes and she was here. I was so happy she was finally out and I felt so proud and relived that she was able to come without having to have a c-section. (My feelings of wussiness quickly went away after pushing for over 3 1/2 hours.)
Right away I knew something wasn't right because they didn't bring her to me and Chris didn't get to cut the cord. It all happened so quickly and within two minutes there were four more nurses/doctors in the room. The dr. told me that they were afraid she swallowed meconium and needed to clear it out before they let her breathe/cry. This has happened to a few of my friends so I wasn't too worried. But after a few minutes and I still didn't hear her cry I was getting really scared.
I'd hear a tiny little noise and then nothing. I couldn't see what was happening because there were so many people around her. Dawn kept telling me she was okay but I just wanted to hear her cry. After ten minutes someone told me that she was having a hard time breathing and wasn't doing it regularly. They had the neonatal specialist in there and lots of nurses rubbing her and trying to get her to breathe. I heard a few nurses talking about her APGAR score and saying it was a four, which I knew was terrible. It was maybe ten minutes or so before I finally heard a bigger cry and knew she was okay. I just wanted to see her and hold her. Chris kept walking back and forth between me and her. I finally got a glimpse of her when they weighed her and couldn't believe she was 8 pounds 13 ounces. I was sure we'd have a small baby, as Chris and I were both really little and short, which we were surprised she was 21 inches long.
After about 20 minutes I got to hold my sweet baby girl, Addilyn Jane. I couldn't believe that she was mine. Even writing it, it doesn't seem real that it all even happened. I had pictured this moment in my mind so many times. Our miracle was here and I was a mom. The number of emotions that fill your heart and body in that moment is hard to believe. I was tender, full of joy, exhausted, in pain, happy, relieved, and couldn't believe I was holding my baby girl. I held her for the next half hour, staring at her precious face, trying to grasp what all just happened.
Chris was amazing the entire time. He was encouraging, reassuring, supportive and so excited to meet her. I could write a whole post about how amazing he was, as well as how everyone at the hospital loved him, and thought he was wonderful.
Soon after they gave me some pretty strong pain medicine as my body was in quite shock after pushing for over three and half hours. Once that kicked in, I felt really out of it. My parents came in to meet her and I could barely keep my eyes open and can't say how exhausted I felt.
I'm so thankful for that first afternoon, evening and night we had because the next morning is when we found out that Addilyn had jaundice and I didn't get to hold her much after that, except to breastfeed. As tired as I was I couldn't sleep as all I wanted to do was stare at our baby girl. We had brought the book, "On the night you were born" to the hospital for visitors to sign and Chris sat on my bed as I held Addilyn and he read it to her. We both could not stop crying. We were a family of three and had our baby was really here and was really ours.
There's never been a greater time in my life when I truly felt that there is a God that does miracles, as it it so hard to believe that this baby starting as a tiny, tiny spec that we could only see powerfully magnified. And that she grew inside me for nine months and is now a healthy baby girl.
I will definitely share Addilyn's birth story soon, but have been thinking a lot about our extra stays at the hospital and wanted to share this first.
The day after Addilyn's birth the pediatrician told us that she had signs of jaundice and after doing blood work found her count to be really high. They needed to put her under these blue lights to help her numbers to go down. Thankfully they put the lights in our room that day so she could stay with us. They continued to test her blood and each time there wasn't much progress so it kept changing to "tomorrow morning you should be able to go home" or "tonight you should be able to go home."
We got lucky that they let Chris and I stay an extra day in our room even though we were technically discharged. Addilyn had to spend Tuesday night in the nursery and I could go in just to feed her. After still not much progress she had to stay Wednesday night as well, but Chris and I had to go home.
Walking out of the hospital without our baby was so hard for me. I wasn't worried that she would be okay and get over this jaundice but hated the idea of being away from her. For the majority of our five days at the hospital I could only hold her to feed her, which at times was stressful and did not feel enjoyable for either of us. I felt like I was missing out on bonding with, holding and loving my new baby. I felt like I was getting robbed of time to connect with my baby and a "normal" stay after giving birth. It was so sad to watch her in her little light box with those huge goggles on and not be able to comfort her. I worried about her feeling attached and connected to me.
One day in the hospital I was thinking about why God would allow this to happen, when it seemed like such an easy fix to have her blood counts go back to normal. I was trying to figure out what he could be teaching me through all of this and I think it just comes down to the fact that we are not in control and that God always is. I had prayed for a baby and many times had said nothing else matters as long as I had a baby. And I did. I had a healthy, beautiful baby. I waited years to hold my baby and just had to wait a few extra days.
As I spent all day Thursday in the nursery with Addilyn, I was reminded how lucky we were as the nursery was filled with these tiny premie babies that had been in the hospital for days, weeks or months. Our three day extended stay would seem like nothing to those little babies and parents. Although still really hard it put things into perspective for me.
Life is not always going to go how you think it should or even feel you deserve it should go. Things aren't always going to make sense. There are circumstances where it seems like God could easily fix and make your life so much easier, but He doesn't. He doesn't because he wants us to constantly be leaning on Him, remembering all the blessings He's given us and never forgetting that rely on Him.
