. . . for Lauren and Lauren: Letting Go

July 16, 2014

Letting Go

Addilyn's birthday day was wonderful.  Full of donuts with Chris before work, then the park, frozen yogurt, and a nap together for me and Addi.  We then headed to my parents for a birthday dinner.  Right before dinner Addilyn was climbing on my parents recliner and fell head first onto the floor.  She cried for a minute, I ran and took her from Chris and she went limp in my arms and passed out.  It was probably the scariest half a minute of my life.  Thankfully she woke up after maybe 15 seconds, that felt like forever, while Chris was on the phone with 911.  The ambulance came, paramedics checked her out and we headed to immediate care to get her looked at.  Everything looked fine, and besides checking on her a few times that night things were back to normal right away.  

It's amazing to me how it only takes seconds for something like that to happen.  Things can go from being absolutely wonderful to complete terrifying in one second. I knew before that the thought of anything happening to Addilyn was unbearable to think about, but it takes it to a new level when you're looking at your baby, unresponsive and so scared. 

Although she was okay, I feel like fear started creeping in that night and next day.  It was impossible for my mind to not wander through the what ifs. What if she had fallen on hard wood floor or what if she didn't wake up right away?  It felt impossible for me not to think about how easy it is for her to get hurt.  That I want to protect her and keep her from anything like that happening again.  To see danger in every activity we do.  Playgrounds, beach, playing in our house.  

It reminds me of this post and my desire to hold onto everything I love as tight as I can.  I want to hold on to Addilyn, hover over her and make sure nothing bad happens to her.  Addilyn is fearless and active and wants to climb and explore and when I think about how easily she could get her it makes me nervous.  But it'd be quite miserable for both of us to not experience things because I was afraid of her getting hurt.  I know there will be so many times she gets hurt, but the thought of something like this happening again is frightening.  

Motherhood is scary.  Sometimes it feels like way too big of a responsibility.  To take care of something I love more than I can ever express.   Later that night when I was crying I felt like maybe I wasn't cut out for the job of being a mom.  That it's full of far to many worries.  

I'm pretty sure the biggest lesson I've learned so far as a mom is to surrender. To continue to open my hands and give God control.  

Somedays I feel like that seems impossible. Like last night I didn't even want to fall asleep.  I wanted to check on her all night long.  Or this morning, I wanted to hold her all day and not let her go.  But I know that Addilyn is God's more than she is mine.  That I can't live in fear and need to enjoy my days with my girl. 

I want to open my hands and surrender to a God that is bigger than my fears.  Surrender my fears, anxieties and my baby to Him.  

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Reggie said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

So glad she's okay! My little Liv is so fearless/active too and I don't want to stop her from exploring the world around her, but the mind is a dangerous place in terms of thinking of worst-case scenarios. Someone once told me about the importance of surrendering your kid(s) to God (like you said) and that it is a daily thing. It sounds easy, but it's pretty difficult when our natural tendency is to hold them tightly!

Jodi said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

So scary! And what a day for it to happen. I'm so sorry you experienced that. I'm so glad she is ok. It is crazy to me how quickly accidents happen. I can't even imagine how scared and worried you were. God is good and was watching over her even though it didn't seem like it for a few seconds. :)

Sharlee said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

I think we are very similar and this is still something I struggle with. Being a mom is full of so so many worries...I appreciate your openness and your faith. I'm SO SO glad Addi is okay.

Ashley said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

Oh I couldnt imagine!! Soo glad she is okay!!! Motherhood is scary. I have never wanted something so badly and now that I have it, I just want to wrap him up in a bubble, but like you said - they won't learn from their mistakes and would miss out on waay too much!! Noah just cried his first tears last week and it broke my heart!!! I was crushed, but quickly reminded myself that this is life, he is going to cry despite my greatest efforts!

Lindsay Erin said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

Oh my gosh! So glad she is okay. It's so hard knowing we can't protect them from everything. Faith is so hard.

two birds said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

So scary! I am so sorry you all went through that and I am SO glad that Addilyn is okay. Motherhood and so scary and so hard at times, but it is the most wonderful thing in the world. I don't think we will ever stop worrying about our kids or trying to protect them, but we also have to give them room to live and grow and, yes, sometimes get hurt. It will never be easy, though.

Pamela said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

You are a wonderful mom! Love what you said in the last two sentences!

The Olive Tree Blog said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

Oh my goodness sooooooo scary!! It is hard as mamas we never want them to get hurt or have anything happen to them. I always tease and tell my kids to be safe and careful, I can't get a new one of them at the store. I often think about how as mamas we never want to see our kids in pain bc we love them so much...and then I think God is the same way with us. Love your heart for your girl. :)

Also, as side note. If Jude would get hurt or scared he used to cry so hard he wood hold his breath and pass out...he started doing that right around his first birthday...not sure that is what happened BUT if it was she might do it again. I used to blow in Judss face when he got upset this helped him catch his breath.

Erika said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

Oh my gosh! What a scary thing to happen... especially on her birthday. Glad she's ok!

Unknown said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

that would be so terrifying, my heart stopped while reading it just thinking of my little one in the same situation. i'm happy she's ok though. motherhood is definitely crazy. i remember right after our babe was born and we were left alone with him for the first time i felt so scared, like i realized for the first time i was in charge of this little being & their safety. it's so scary! it's hard to surrender like you said, but so important to try as hard as possible to do so!

Lauren {By Lauren M} said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

I cannot fathom those feelings you went through! Just reading about it made my heart rate go up. I'm so glad that she's okay!

Liz said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

So wishing I could bring over a giant cup of coffee & an even bigger donut & a hug around the neck after what you went through! So happy Addi is ok! Praying you got more sleep last night & that your mama heart is feeling more at peace today! Love you friend! You're doing an amazing job!

Unknown said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

Ugh that is terrifying; I'm so glad she's okay. I'm afraid if my own shadow and am terrified of everything.. I totally get wanting to protect our babies. I need to learn to trust in God and know he's protecting us and the babes. Hugs mama!

Unknown said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

Oh my gosh how scary!! I'm so so glad she's ok - I can't even imagine! Praying for you guys this week for the weight of worry to be lifted off your shoulders!

Emily said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

Wow, so scary. I'm so glad she's okay! I love what you have written about having open hands and trusting He loves and will take care of our children. I know what you mean about fear creeping in though. When I first became a mom I kept a list of scriptures relating to fear and trusting God and I had to read through them every single day to keep my fears at bay. I can email you the list if you want! :). emcondie@gmail.com

The Lady Okie said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

This is such a good reminder for all of us. We like to think we control our world, but everything can change in a moment. It's such a peace knowing there's nothing that can or will happen that God doesn't already know about, and he is taking care of us and CAN control everything. Thanks for sharing. Glad she's okay!

J and A said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

Oh Katie. I'm do sorry that happened. So scary. I do love that top photo of you two soooooo much. Hugs to you both.

Caitlin Cavallaro said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

I'm so glad she was okay! What a scary thing to happen and to witness! But praise the Lord that everything was okay - did they ever figure out what exactly happened or what caused her to pass out?

Megan C said... Best Blogger TipsBest Blogger Templates

Oh my gosh, I am catching up on blogs and just read this. I bet this must have been tough for you. I will pray for y'all. I couldn't imagine if that happened, I would be terrified. Seth fell out of a grocery cart at 8 months but he landed on his side, he cried for a while but was fine. It was the first day I was a full time stay at home mom after leaving my job and I thought I was a huge failure so I totally know how you felt. It was rough for a few days because I couldn't get the image out of my head. Kids fall and get hurt, I think as moms that is the hardest lesson to learn but it is one that is so true. I do hope they figure out what is happening when she passes out and why.